If it's all the same to you, I won't be coming in to work. The voices told me to clean all my guns today.

On Saturday, I set half the clocks in my house ahead an hour, and the other half back an hour and spent 18 hours in some freaky kind of space-time continuum loop, reliving Sunday (right up until the explosion). I was able to exit the loop only by reversing the polarity of the power source in the house, while simultaneously rapping my dog on the snout with a rolled up newspaper. Accordingly, I will be in either late, or early.

I can't come in to work today because I'll be stalking my previous boss. He fired me for not showing up at work.

Yes, I seem to have contracted some attention-deficit disorder. And, hey, how about that game Saturday night, huh? No, no, I'll be sticking with my existing telecommunications carrier, but thank you for calling.

Constipation has made me a walking time bomb.

I just found out that I was switched at birth. Legally, I shouldn't come to work knowing my employee records may now contain false information.

The psychiatrist said it was an excellent session. He even gave me this jaw restraint so I won't bite things when I am startled.

The dog ate my car keys. We're going to hitchhike to the vet.

I perfer to remain an enigma.

My stepmother has come back as one of the undead. We must attract her to her coffin to drive a stake through her heart and give her eternal peace. One day should do it.

I am converting my calendar from Julian to Gregorian.

I am extremely sensitive to a rise in the intrest rates.

I've used up all my sick days, so I'm calling in dead.