'Hi! John's answering machine is broken. This is his refrigerator. Please speak very slowly, and I'll stick your message to myself with one of these magnets.'

'A is for academics, B is for beer. One of those reasons is why we're not here. So leave a message and I'll get back to you.'

'Hi. This is John. If you are the phone company, I already sent the money. If you are my parents, please send money. If you are my financial aid institution, you didn't lend me enough money. If you are my friends, you owe me money. If you are a female, don't worry, I have plenty of money.'

'Hi. Now you say something.'

'Hi. I'm not home right now but my answering machine is, so you can talk to it instead. Wait for the beep.'

'This is not an answering machine --- this is a telepathic thought-recording device. After the tone think about your name, your reason for calling, and the number where I can reach you, and I'll think about returning your call!'

'My owners do not need their walls painted, windows washed, or their carpets steam-cleaned. They give to charity through their office and do not need their picture taken. If you're still with me, leave your name and they will get back to you.'

'Hi. I am probably home, I'm just avoiding someone I don't like. Leave a message, and if I don't call back, it's you.'

'If you are a burgalar, then we're probably at home cleaning our weapons right now and can't come to the phone. Otherwise, we probably aren't home and it's safe to leave us a message.'

'Hi. This is George. I'm sorry I can't answer the phone right now. Leave a message, and then wait by your phone until I call you back.'