I love cats...they taste just like chicken.

Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.

Cover me. I'm changing lanes.

Laugh alone and the world thinks you're an idiot.

Sometimes I wake up grumpy; other times I let her sleep.

I want to die in my sleep like my grandfather...not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car.

I didn't fight my way to the top of the food chain to be a vegetarian.

Your kid may be an honor student, but you're still an idiot!

It's as bad as you think, and they ARE out to get you.

Smile; it's the second best thing you can do with your lips.

Friends don't let friends drive naked.

Where there's a will, I want to be in it!

If we aren't supposed to eat animals, why are they made out of meat?

It's lonely at the top, but you eat better.

Reality? That's where the pizza delivery guy comes from!

Be nice to your kids. They'll choose your nursing home.

There are three kinds of people; people who can count and people who can't.

Diplomacy is the art of saying 'Nice doggie!' ...until you can find a rock.